Today I just feel the need to talk something off for a bit. This whole experience has actually been a lot harder than I imagined it to be before I left. I have come to the realization that big spontaneous adventures like this one doesn't just come easy to me so to speak. The first two weeks have been a total mix of feelings and impressions and that has been hard to cope with both psychically and physically. I've been VERY tired and confused while I've had amazing experiences and less amazing ones as well. On top of that my body has decided to give after and annoy me with a cold, so I'm not feeling very well at the moment.
Anyway. My own reaction to leaving home and starting this came as a HUGE surprise to me. Looking back I probably should have seen it coming since I've done it before (Las Vegas), but honestly I thought that I had grown up and those feelings belonged in the past. However that was definitely not the case when I first got here. At times it still creeps up on me, but I do want to say that I don't feel like that any longer. The first few days were filled with missing, confusion and doubt. I didn't feel like this was right for me at all, and I kept asking myself "WHY on earth do you have to put yourself in situations like this?!". I was frustrated and nervous. Though this mainly happened when I was alone and had nothing to do. Those days had some great experiences in them as well that I only remember with excitement.
Well feeling like that surprised me a lot, and gave me second thoughts about the whole idea of this. I have throughout the past three years convinced myself that I most certainly could do (and really wanted to do) something like this, but suddenly I felt very insecure about it. I kept trying to encourage myself, but every time I thought about being away for such a long time it felt terrible, which I hated. I also got mad and frustrated at myself for feeling like this, and had no idea what to do. So I decided to take one day at a time, and kept telling myself that no one expected anything from me, and that I could what I want. That isn't true though. I expect something from myself, and like always those expectations are really high. I would not be okay with having to leave earlier or admit this was not something for me - I would feel like a complete failure. That scared me as well, knowing that I would find it so hard to accept if I after some time realized that I didn't like this (that is not the case, don't worry haha).
Luckily these feeling quickly became smaller, and I started to enjoy my experience more. Though I cannot run from the fact that I have had to face my biggest fear when being here. Being alone, and feeling lonely. Now, I honestly don't think I could ever do something like this without feeling lonely and insecure. But it is hard. I was so scared of being alone before I came here, and I do feel alone at times. Of course I do, I mean, I'm a people person and I don't like to spend time all alone. Suddenly I am in a new country in which I know no one, and even though I've had great people helping me (still are) it takes some time to get confidential with them. I don't go to school either, and therefore I don't meet people as easily. I'm super scared that I come off as too shy and not outgoing at all. But I'm trying so hard to be outgoing since I know my mistake from last time. I really do my very best, but I know the real me hasn't fully come out yet.. I mean the hyper, crazy girl that just says whatever she wants and does weird stuff, just because it's so much fun.
That's when the insecurity strikes once again. "What if people don't like me? What if I don't make any good friends? What if I fail??". I know it sounds ridiculous, but being thrown out of my comfort zone like this makes me question everything I used to be so secure about. IT IS ANNOYING to say the least. It holds me back, and I'm fighting it as well as I can. I mean I made friends in the US, which is a miracle compared to my level of dedication the first couple of months. So I should be more than fine now haha.
This may make it seem like I'm having a horrible experience (does it?), which isn't the case at all. I just had to get it out there, because I have been a bit overthrown by how I reacted and also I tend to think a lot when just walking around at home. I'm having a great time, I do not want to go home (and if I sometimes do it is because of the security back home and my nervousness of the unknown and insecure here). I'm experiencing a lot, but I am excited for getting a routine down, getting more friends and getting closer with the ones I've already met (I WANT FRIENDS SO BAD. Does this make me seem like a crazy person hahaha? ;-) oh well, you know me).
I have just completed my CV and can now say that I am excited to go job hunting. Now I feel like I want a job and that I can handle it - I did absolutely not feel like that the first week or so. I'm still terrified of job interviews, first weeks of a job and all that, but it seems secondary now, I want to do something with my days (also I feel very bad about spending money when not earning any). I've come over my "feeling bad for myself, so you can buy whatever you want"-trip (almost hehe), so now I just want to earn money, and have things to do!
When I started this post I wasn't feeling amazing. I'm sick and am just sitting at home reading blogs, while feeling bad about myself and lonely. I was a little bit sad and were missing my family and friends back home (still am a bit). But now I feel more excited, and happy to see what comes next! Of course I look sooooo much forward for having Katja visit over christmas and for Christina to come in february, just because I have nothing else planned. I want to go to New Zealand and Kangaroo Island and all the rest of Australia! But first I need to find myself here, I need to settle in completely - I think I'm getting there. I need to get a job and a routine and built myself a life here.
I probably do over think everything, and you may think this is exaggerated and thinking "god, get over it, it's only six months!". Yup, I know, that was how I felt back home as well, but it's just different once you get here. The first month will never be easy unless you are a boy maybe (less feelings haha), I don't know, but to me it is a challenge. I've gotten a lot better at thinking positive when I'm feeling down and feel insecure and that I can't handle it, and should've stayed at home. Today I thought "But who of the people I know would even have considered going here? Who would've done better than I these first weeks?". Then I feel better and feel that I've done a good job, not a bad one, because not a lot of people that I know would've done this ever! I'm awesome! Hahaha. I need to stop thinking so much, and I will probably stop once I get a job ;-)
Okay, so this was a long, not that awesome, post - but I just needed to write all my feelings down for a moment. More positive things are to come your way! If I'm feeling better tomorrow I will start job-hunting, and if not I'll start on monday, woop! :-)
Peace out from sick me in my comfy chair!
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